i am a smart, articulate person. I swear. I don’t know what happens but there is a point in which my articulate thoughts are jumbled into a dumbed-down mess by the time they get to my lips to speak them. Then begins the mispronunciation, the slight stutter or sometimes (gasp) the mumbling. For fock’s sake. Then other times there’s no problem at all. what I can’t stand is sounding like a bumbling idiot. Ugh. Maybe I should take some speech classes. I hate speech classes.

wow, portland is actually uber warm today. at work in the morning, and then my behavioral analysis class from 2-4; finishing two chapters. i really love this class. behavior analysis is my new favorite thing. I am discovering myself embracing the cognitive-behavioral theoretical approach to counseling. it feels great to have a focus.

then because it was such a nice day i sat out on the park blocks and people-watched for a bit. then on my way home i called riza and we hung out with her dog at Laurelhurst park. it was so nice out there. i think i need to call someone else up and spend more time outside.

in the meantime i'm being a big nerd. i'm watching a documentary on the history channel about the KKK, drinking a beer and eating my homemade yumm sauce. i'd say it's getting the summer started out right. :) well, not so much about the kkk, but knowledge is great - even if it is about scary people.

speaking of scary people: Jerry Falwell is dead! Hooray!

so the rest of my afternoon and evening:
played tennis with alex and tim. super fun. we even tossed around a nerf football. look at that. it felt great running around on the court (even if i looked like a big dork). then back to their place where alex turned me onto her "get fit" plan. looks like we will be diet and fitness buddies. which i totally need. hello buddha belly. yuck. then mexican soap operas! yes! amo el mirar de óperas mexicanas del jabón con mi alex del amigo.

this has been a really difficult decision to make.

due to breaking up with riza and needing to find a new place to live i have found it will be too difficult to keep my dog, oliver. it's so hard to give him up. ugh. it makes me so sad. i just can't give him enough attention if i am going to live on my own. he would be home alone for way too many hours of the day and then if i go out at night - he will be alone for even longer. even walking him twice a day and/or dog parks he will get depressed. then there's the move-in costs of having a dog that weighs more than 35lbs. it would cost me $600+ extra to move into a place with a dog that weighs 50lbs. on my budget i just can't afford it. i will need that money to support myself - especially this summer. living alone i have no one to split bills with. this is what i feel the most awful about. it feels selfish. but it also feels selfish to keep him in an apartment for hours and hours.

so i answered an ad on craigslist. there is a family looking for a Lab for their 4 year old autistic boy. i thought - perfect! oliver is great with kids and he is the kind of dog who will not get annoyed with kids pulling-on and crawing all over him. i always thought he would be such a great family dog. the woman just wrote me back and she has 2 other children! that means he would have three kids to play with all the time. i think it would be the best thing for him. he would be so happy to have kids to play with. i was also thinking of training him to be a therapy dog for autistic children and what luck for me to find a family wanting a dog for an autistic child!

i'm still sad and torn about it even though i know it would be the best decision for him; and for me. i just feel like such a failure as a doggie mom. :o(

i'm going to miss him so much.

Since I have a bit of a drive it gives me a bit o' time to think about things. This morning it was about what I like to call "generic straight white girl genes," or the handy acronym GSWG genes. What sparked this nugget of junk food for my brain was a group project I finished for my Monday night class. I was in a group of four girls, including myself and of course I was the lone homo of the group - so I am exempt. The girls in question were two of your typical straight white girls the other girl had a horrible case of acne with scarring and redness; and teeth that looked like she hasn't seen a dentist in a few years. Anyway I digress. Obviously I would be able to spot the acne snaggle tooth anywhere. What I struggled with was the two generic straight white girls (GSWG). For the life of me girls like that I can't tell them apart! If I saw them around campus I wouldn't recognize them because they look like every other GSWG. So then I formulated a theory of the GSWG gene. Maybe there is such a gene that predetermines these poor girls to all look so similar that they cannot be told apart except by themselves. it doesn't help that they all wear the same clothing and have the same hair. I've always had this problem - of having the ability to tell them apart. Maybe if I see them everyday but once a week? Give me a break.

riz and i called it quits tuesday night. our relationship just wasn't working and we tried our best. we were heading down the friendship road and i think it has made this a lot easier.

I am okay and riza is okay, just a little sad. It is a good decision because both of us have been drifting apart from each other. We've also struggled with the same issues for a year now and they don't seem to be changing. We love each other but we're not happy together. Not like people in a loving relationship should be happy together. There's too much tension at times between us and it's not healthy. It's not good for us. We've also found that our differences have also become points of tension and they are things we don't want to compromise on. We've also felt like we've been compromising too much for the other and feeling frustrated and sad about it. We've also both been feeling really depressed in this relationship. I've been feeling really depressed. I don't want to feel like that and I don't want to be in a relationship that makes me feel that way. Our breakup was last night.

it went so much better than i ever anticipated. we had a calm, mature adult discussion in which we mutually agreed it would be the best decision for us to end this relationship now. i am extremely happy it didn't end in drama. phew. so i get to stay at the house as long as i need to while finding an apartment. i chose to get my own place because i am willing to give up the house only because i don't think i could live there with a roommate. it would be a bit annoying. unless it was someone i was good friends with - and they all have homes already. i feel sad but i feel so much better. riza's sad but she's also feeling better about it. all is good with the world.

i just hope it doesn't become awkward by the time i get a chance to move out.
yes! i get to have my own apartment. by myself. no roommates! i am actually very excited about living on my own. it will be financially tight but such an awesome experience.

my major issue i'm tackling with right now is how to find an affordable one bedroom apartment around $550/month that will take a 50lb dog without crazy extra fees and deposits. ack. i would like to keep my dog. i would also like to not live out in BFE because of my dog.

okay i'm a jerk sometimes i admit it. this is a great example but i had such a fun night. it was worth it. i think. *shrug*

so i've been chomping at the bit for awhile now for my independence and freedom - while in a relationship. it's not like i want to break up i just want to feel like my social self again and have some sense of freedom. why does that have to be sacrificed while in a relationship. why should being a relationship really feel like the analogy "ball and chain?" that's not fun.

made plans a couple weeks ago to have drinks with a co-worker, her wife and a friend of theirs for this friday night. then riza tells me last week she has a fund raiser shindig for her work that she would like me to go to. i told her i had plans to go out for drinks, food and dancing at the fez. she replied with "yes, but i would like you to come." so i figured i could do my thing and stop at her thing in-between. she didn't tell me anything other than it was a "gala" and a fundraiser for her work. ok, so it might not be so bad if i missed it right?

so i came home from work and had the house to myself.
it felt almost like being on my own again. getting together with people for a night of fun on my own. it was weird i was feeling so charged and excited to just go out on my own. so i got all showered, smelling good, dolled-up and made my way out. bopping around to the fun music in my car, feeling flirty and full of nervous energy - i haven't felt that way in a long time.

we have drinks and mexican food and we then make our way to Crush for more drinks. still feeling flirty and hyper i decide i don't really want to go to my girlfriend's thing. she didn't say it was important - maybe it wouldn't be a big deal. i text her and say i'm heading out to the fez and if she would want to come. she replies back with she can't leave. so i ask again and she replies with a text about how she and her co-workers will be disappointed if i don't come. here's where the jerk comes in. i decide dancing would be so much more fun than sitting around in a bar watching live bands so i go with the dancing. besides i never really get the chance to go out dancing and it's driving me crazy. i don't text her back except to ask if she still needed me to pick her up (and got in trouble for it later).

we all go to the Fez and i had so much fun. i felt bad for ditching my girlfriend but i don't know what got over me. i felt like i needed this. i was not intoxicated with the alcohol but i was intoxicated with this need to assert my independence. like i said, it was weird. i had so much fun dancing. i also felt so good being flirty - and that's not normally like me. it's like something snapped. maybe it's the blonde hair. who knows. all i know is that i need more of it. more going out on my own. not feeling like this in the relationship and just being social and having fun. my oh my.

then 1am rolls around and head over where riza is and walk in to pick her up. she is LIVID. i was in t.r.o.u.b.l.e.

she was not only sad, disappointed and angry - she had a splitting headache. arg. i had to process and resolve the whole thing that night and the next morning. luckily we got through it and i'm okay with riza thinking i can be a total jerk sometimes. i told her next time she NEEDS to tell me - threaten me if she has to - that something is important for me to go to. she said i should understand and as a "good" girlfriend would come anyway to support her (even if it might be boring and if i had other plans). ugh. that's a hard decision to make.

no fun.

i have felt like such a commitmentphobe lately. it's dangerous.

sometimes i find myself missing the dramatic and crazy times of my life. not the drama itself but i felt so much more intense at those times. even just the crazy times (e.g., clubbing, recreational stuff, going out all the time, etc.).

i feel boring now. it's a combination of feeling jaded, domesticated and maybe just tired. i'm tired a lot these days. maybe i'm lazy. maybe school + work + relationship makes me feel tired. relationships also make it hard to really have a life like that anymore. well, a stable living-in-a-house-together-kind of relationship anyway. we have our drama but it's manageable and maybe it's after all the stuff i have already been through that makes it feel like it's really not that intense. our drama can be annoying, frustrating and not fun but it's not terribly intense. who knows. it's not like i'm a drama queen but i can't figure out why the drama these days doesn't affect me like it used-to. it's times like these that my girlfriend knocks on my chest with a look on her face like "is anyone home?"

so with that i have decided to go out more often. even if she doesn't like it - tough! i need it or i feel like a big ol' lazy homebody; i also feel miserable. i'm tired of that. i love being at home but enough is enough. so wednesday night haircut and beer with April. thursday night booty with a group of people. then friday drinks and dinner with April & her wife...then Riza's company shindig at Acme...then the Fez! wee! i gotta do it. i don't feel quite right unless i get myself out in the bar/club scene. i miss being social. i feel restless and unhappy. no more excuses! i'm going out Out OUT!

"To Wish Impossible Things" by the Cure has to be one of the most depressing songs ever created.

in other news....due to my sister's relocation to London because of a career advancement of she and her husband. i now have another excuse to go back to Europe. except this time the parents plan to go and dad wants to contribute some of his frequent flyer miles to help me travel over there. score! so for spring break next year i'll be hanging out with the family in london and possibly paris and scotland. scotland because well, that's where my mom's side all comes from. i think one of her Aunts lives up there. plus we are all curious about scotland because of the "queen-mum's," i mean, my grandma's stories of scotland. i would be happy just hanging out in london for a week - there's so much to do. i also miss my sister and i can't wait to see her again.

so london here i come! i can't wait to hit up the pubs and have some real beer. YUM!

i also can't wait to see london in the spring (last time i went was in the winter). then if we go to paris - that would be also nice in the spring. paris in the wintertime is not romantic nor that cute. it kinda looked like a lot of other european cities; and everything was closed due to "special circumstances." yeah screw me for visiting a few days after xmas. sheesh. french people.

you know it's monday when you reach for your ipod to hit play and for a split second can't figure out why there's nothing playing until you look to your left and see your index finger poking your cell phone haphazardly looking for the play button.

D'oh!

i think only other video gamers would understand this.

there's never enough time to play video games!

i shake my head at the people who complain they wouldn't have anything to do if they were on an extended leave of absence from work. um, hello! there's ALL kinds of things to do! granted, for the first few weeks i would video game my little heart out on my PC - still not feeling like i had enough hours in the day for that and all the other things i need to do. i.e., cooking, cleaning, relationship, hanging out with people...life in general. then there would be all the other things i have wanted to do and haven't the chance because of time restraints. painting is one example. fixing the yard is another. organizing. redecorating. then there's that gigantic pile of books to read. then there is school. more time for school! then, of course, more time for video games would be good too.

i could never be bored.

Top o' the mornin' kids.

I am so amped-up from my class last night. I love my night class! Wee!

We covered stress and stress management - very interesting stuff. We took the Social Readjustment Scale (assessment of stress-causing life change events on a person's stress level) and I scored 1190 for stressful life changes in the past two years of my life. Great. Looks like I have gone through so many changes in the past two years that I am a big stress monkey. Seems that one should be in the 0 - 300 range. Maybe I should be a little concerned. Maybe you should start looking for steam coming out of my ears.

My prof also told us he worked with a neurologist whose specialty is headaches. This neurologist said the worst kind of headache is not migraines, not tension headaches but caffeine headaches. Why you ask? Because nothing gets rid of that pounding headache except for caffeine. Coffee if you will. So Drink Up! He also said chronic headaches are best treated with SSRI's - people on SSRI medication have a lower instance of chronic headaches. Headaches are actually from muscle tension (the muscles on your head, forehead and neck) and/or vascular constriction/expansion. Your brain lacks pain sensors - you can poke around with an ice pick in your brain and feel nothing. You would be exhibiting all kinds of strange behaviors and probably barking but you would feel no pain. What would hurt is the breaking of the skin and the breaking of your skull. Now isn't that fascinating.

on my way home last night i drove by a man that inspired me to write something.
being without paper, pen and behind the wheel i didn't get the chance to write it down until this morning:


his face was structured as if he came to life from an adolescent's hurried amateur portraiture: out of proportion and drooping to one side. his face was pockmarked and appeared to be stained from the inside. his clothing sagged on his frame as he stood, stooping to the left. his shirt was an old printed t-shirt, a picture distorted from cheap detergent. his pants something from the dollar bins at goodwill - a pair of sagging, worn cargo khaki's cinched with a belt. he clutched to his chest a leather oxblood briefcase missing one handle and in the places where it was worn the oxblood faded into yellowish brown. what caught my attention was his brand new van's skater sneakers. the rubber was gleaming white and the suede hadn't even begun to show any wear. what was it about this man that everything else except his shoes were old, sagging and worn. why did he clutch that old briefcase so tightly to his chest.

I just had the most intense experience with an apple.

At work.

I’m sitting at my desk working, slowly devouring my Ambrosia apple and listening to Tears for Fears The Hurting. I don’t know if it is the music, how delicious the apple is or if it’s the Midol kicking in...or maybe all of the above. I have to say it has been a long time since I have had an apple this yummy.

I think I may have to re-think planting an apple tree at home. Previous arguments included: we live in a rental why plant a tree that we can’t take with us; and see it mature? I say screw it! I want some ambrosia apples on-hand dammit! This is apple country up here after all. i could also treat it as a gift and then plant myself another tree at the next place i live. what's to stop me? trees are good afterall - especially when they feed my now-craving-tons-o'-ambrosia-apples-tummy.

i discovered psychology-related podcasts last night.
now i can learn and work at the same time!

weee!

i am such a geek.

i had so much fun sunday!!

it was over 100 degrees outside so we gathered a group of fifteen girls to have a day of floating down the Clackamas river in inner tubes.
~~ so much fun ~~

We floated about five miles! How rad is that. Most of it was lazy-relaxing-floating-along the river and then we’d get some mellow rapids that got everyone’s heart rate up and had us squealing like little girls – even the butchier ones of the group. LOL. I think people capsized only a couple times – not too bad. One tube out of 15 deflated so we had to grab one of the extra tubes that was holding the ice chest and give that to the tubeless individual. Poor leilani had the raft so she was stuck with both ice chests towards the end. Getting the beers and trying to keep them river-water free while bumping along in the river was an adventure in itself.

Apparently all of portland decided to float down the river too. it was jock-o-rama and tuna central all down the river. it wasn't that bad though - i kinda liked all the randoms out there being loud and obnoxious. it added to the "weee! it's summer and we're on the river with beer and friends" element of the day.

I only suffered a bit o’ sunburn but girl, this pale skin needed some color. Now I have some color and freckle freckle freckle. The sunburn was worth it – I can’t wait to do it again.

people in portland LOVE inner-tubing! omg.
i was just invited to another inner-tubing adventure this sunday.
i haven't done this much outdoorsy stuff in forever! i love it. almost every weekend we've been at one river or another.

i need to plan a camping trip. a camping + surfing trip would be ideal.


so i can take back my rant about a serious lack of good dj's in portland because i have found another one! He's DJ Catalyst and he spins the best music! i haven't heard such good actual 80s music etc. in a long time. his saturday night gig a couple weeks ago reminded me of 80s clubs in SF and LA! it was amazing. i danced to every song. he has a night at the Fez every thursday - super fun. it's been slow because of the summer but the music makes it worth it.
yippee!

myspace comes in handy once again. i messaged a friend of mine that graduated high school the same year i did (1996) to find out when our 10 year high school reunion is. TEN YEARS. holy crp. it's very strange. so much has happened in the past ten years. high school feels like it happened 20 years ago.

she gives me the link and the damn thing is $55 per person! in Fresno! wtf. what a rip-off. it would be fun to go and see the random kids i've known since elementary school and high school but seriously - why so expensive? i still hang out with my closest friends from high school so i think that may just be good enough because they are the ones i care about the most.

then again, it would be fun flaunting my homo-ness to all those central california kids. yes, i haven't changed much since high school in wanting to make an impression. LOL
it would also be fun to see how much people have changed over the years.

it's just too expensive. it would be $110 for both me and riza to go - i have to bring my girlfriend! then if we fly - that's another $100-$200 each. probably about the same if we drive. yikes. only for a high school reunion. maybe those things are made for the people who are unfortunate enough to still live in fresno. yuck.

okay so granted i haven't sampled all of the clubs in portland.
granted, i haven't heard all of what portland dj's can provide.
i still have something to say.

after living in the city (SF) you get spoiled with amazing dj's. especially dance music. they know how to beat match. they know what gets people moving. they are up-to-date on tracks. they know what people want to hear.

here in portland - beat matching is the 8th wonder of the world. they don't know how to keep people dancing on the dancefloor. they have grossly outdated tracks. they have no idea that gangsta rap may sound good on your stereo at home/in your car - but don't play it at a busy queer club!

omfg.

especially if you don't know how to match the beats and you instead mush them together hoping they somehow "mix" together. then you start playing the tracks at such a high level people don't want to be in there because their ears are bleeding. then you kinda get the idea to play a track people like to dance to, get them all excited and then follow with a horrible track no one knows and has no beat whatsoever to dance to. ugh.

then there is the itunes dj's. what is THAT? gross. that's all i have to say about that - because it is disgusting. if you're gonna be a dj - do it right.

i am seriously thinking about taking the plunge and becoming a dj. i am so sick of this mess. what's been holding me back is that i in no way have enough money to be a dj. it's expensive! buying all those records. then getting gear to practice on. yikes. $$$$ over my budget.

okay so i did the dress. wasn't as bad as i thought it would be but it was still really uncomfortable. the pictures - i don't even recognize myself. i felt like a purple drag queen sausage. the people who see the picture say i look nice, but i just don't look like myself. ick. i'm glad i don't ever have to wear something like that again.

the wedding was amazing!!
here's a slideshow
i think this will do better than words.

my sister is beautiful and they are such an adorable couple. i want to squish them. i still can't get over how great of a wedding it was. it was perfect.
:)