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mumbles strikes again

i am a smart, articulate person. I swear. I don’t know what happens but there is a point in which my articulate thoughts are jumbled into a dumbed-down mess by the time they get to my lips to speak them. Then begins the mispronunciation, the slight stutter or sometimes (gasp) the mumbling. For fock’s sake. Then other times there’s no problem at all. what I can’t stand is sounding like a bumbling idiot. Ugh. Maybe I should take some speech classes. I hate speech classes.

the wicked wizard is dead.

wow, portland is actually uber warm today. at work in the morning, and then my behavioral analysis class from 2-4; finishing two chapters. i really love this class. behavior analysis is my new favorite thing. I am discovering myself embracing the cognitive-behavioral theoretical approach to counseling. it feels great to have a focus.

then because it was such a nice day i sat out on the park blocks and people-watched for a bit. then on my way home i called riza and we hung out with her dog at Laurelhurst park. it was so nice out there. i think i need to call someone else up and spend more time outside.

in the meantime i'm being a big nerd. i'm watching a documentary on the history channel about the KKK, drinking a beer and eating my homemade yumm sauce. i'd say it's getting the summer started out right. :) well, not so much about the kkk, but knowledge is great - even if it is about scary people.

speaking of scary people: Jerry Falwell is dead! Hooray!

so the rest of my afternoon and evening:
played tennis with alex and tim. super fun. we even tossed around a nerf football. look at that. it felt great running around on the court (even if i looked like a big dork). then back to their place where alex turned me onto her "get fit" plan. looks like we will be diet and fitness buddies. which i totally need. hello buddha belly. yuck. then mexican soap operas! yes! amo el mirar de óperas mexicanas del jabón con mi alex del amigo.

so sad right now

this has been a really difficult decision to make.

due to breaking up with riza and needing to find a new place to live i have found it will be too difficult to keep my dog, oliver. it's so hard to give him up. ugh. it makes me so sad. i just can't give him enough attention if i am going to live on my own. he would be home alone for way too many hours of the day and then if i go out at night - he will be alone for even longer. even walking him twice a day and/or dog parks he will get depressed. then there's the move-in costs of having a dog that weighs more than 35lbs. it would cost me $600+ extra to move into a place with a dog that weighs 50lbs. on my budget i just can't afford it. i will need that money to support myself - especially this summer. living alone i have no one to split bills with. this is what i feel the most awful about. it feels selfish. but it also feels selfish to keep him in an apartment for hours and hours.

so i answered an ad on craigslist. there is a family looking for a Lab for their 4 year old autistic boy. i thought - perfect! oliver is great with kids and he is the kind of dog who will not get annoyed with kids pulling-on and crawing all over him. i always thought he would be such a great family dog. the woman just wrote me back and she has 2 other children! that means he would have three kids to play with all the time. i think it would be the best thing for him. he would be so happy to have kids to play with. i was also thinking of training him to be a therapy dog for autistic children and what luck for me to find a family wanting a dog for an autistic child!

i'm still sad and torn about it even though i know it would be the best decision for him; and for me. i just feel like such a failure as a doggie mom. :o(

i'm going to miss him so much.

morning drive

Since I have a bit of a drive it gives me a bit o' time to think about things. This morning it was about what I like to call "generic straight white girl genes," or the handy acronym GSWG genes. What sparked this nugget of junk food for my brain was a group project I finished for my Monday night class. I was in a group of four girls, including myself and of course I was the lone homo of the group - so I am exempt. The girls in question were two of your typical straight white girls the other girl had a horrible case of acne with scarring and redness; and teeth that looked like she hasn't seen a dentist in a few years. Anyway I digress. Obviously I would be able to spot the acne snaggle tooth anywhere. What I struggled with was the two generic straight white girls (GSWG). For the life of me girls like that I can't tell them apart! If I saw them around campus I wouldn't recognize them because they look like every other GSWG. So then I formulated a theory of the GSWG gene. Maybe there is such a gene that predetermines these poor girls to all look so similar that they cannot be told apart except by themselves. it doesn't help that they all wear the same clothing and have the same hair. I've always had this problem - of having the ability to tell them apart. Maybe if I see them everyday but once a week? Give me a break.

melancholische Musik

"To Wish Impossible Things" by the Cure has to be one of the most depressing songs ever created.

london

in other news....due to my sister's relocation to London because of a career advancement of she and her husband. i now have another excuse to go back to Europe. except this time the parents plan to go and dad wants to contribute some of his frequent flyer miles to help me travel over there. score! so for spring break next year i'll be hanging out with the family in london and possibly paris and scotland. scotland because well, that's where my mom's side all comes from. i think one of her Aunts lives up there. plus we are all curious about scotland because of the "queen-mum's," i mean, my grandma's stories of scotland. i would be happy just hanging out in london for a week - there's so much to do. i also miss my sister and i can't wait to see her again.

so london here i come! i can't wait to hit up the pubs and have some real beer. YUM!

i also can't wait to see london in the spring (last time i went was in the winter). then if we go to paris - that would be also nice in the spring. paris in the wintertime is not romantic nor that cute. it kinda looked like a lot of other european cities; and everything was closed due to "special circumstances." yeah screw me for visiting a few days after xmas. sheesh. french people.
you know it's monday when you reach for your ipod to hit play and for a split second can't figure out why there's nothing playing until you look to your left and see your index finger poking your cell phone haphazardly looking for the play button.

D'oh!

nerd alert

i think only other video gamers would understand this.

there's never enough time to play video games!

i shake my head at the people who complain they wouldn't have anything to do if they were on an extended leave of absence from work. um, hello! there's ALL kinds of things to do! granted, for the first few weeks i would video game my little heart out on my PC - still not feeling like i had enough hours in the day for that and all the other things i need to do. i.e., cooking, cleaning, relationship, hanging out with people...life in general. then there would be all the other things i have wanted to do and haven't the chance because of time restraints. painting is one example. fixing the yard is another. organizing. redecorating. then there's that gigantic pile of books to read. then there is school. more time for school! then, of course, more time for video games would be good too.

i could never be bored.

headaches and stress

Top o' the mornin' kids.

I am so amped-up from my class last night. I love my night class! Wee!

We covered stress and stress management - very interesting stuff. We took the Social Readjustment Scale (assessment of stress-causing life change events on a person's stress level) and I scored 1190 for stressful life changes in the past two years of my life. Great. Looks like I have gone through so many changes in the past two years that I am a big stress monkey. Seems that one should be in the 0 - 300 range. Maybe I should be a little concerned. Maybe you should start looking for steam coming out of my ears.

My prof also told us he worked with a neurologist whose specialty is headaches. This neurologist said the worst kind of headache is not migraines, not tension headaches but caffeine headaches. Why you ask? Because nothing gets rid of that pounding headache except for caffeine. Coffee if you will. So Drink Up! He also said chronic headaches are best treated with SSRI's - people on SSRI medication have a lower instance of chronic headaches. Headaches are actually from muscle tension (the muscles on your head, forehead and neck) and/or vascular constriction/expansion. Your brain lacks pain sensors - you can poke around with an ice pick in your brain and feel nothing. You would be exhibiting all kinds of strange behaviors and probably barking but you would feel no pain. What would hurt is the breaking of the skin and the breaking of your skull. Now isn't that fascinating.

briefcase

on my way home last night i drove by a man that inspired me to write something.
being without paper, pen and behind the wheel i didn't get the chance to write it down until this morning:


his face was structured as if he came to life from an adolescent's hurried amateur portraiture: out of proportion and drooping to one side. his face was pockmarked and appeared to be stained from the inside. his clothing sagged on his frame as he stood, stooping to the left. his shirt was an old printed t-shirt, a picture distorted from cheap detergent. his pants something from the dollar bins at goodwill - a pair of sagging, worn cargo khaki's cinched with a belt. he clutched to his chest a leather oxblood briefcase missing one handle and in the places where it was worn the oxblood faded into yellowish brown. what caught my attention was his brand new van's skater sneakers. the rubber was gleaming white and the suede hadn't even begun to show any wear. what was it about this man that everything else except his shoes were old, sagging and worn. why did he clutch that old briefcase so tightly to his chest.